Magic is Cool but Unicorns are Better
by theimpardisat221b
Summary: Present day Hogwarts. Following a slightly crazy boy from day one of first year to his last day of seventh year. Told from his point of view, showing what it's like to navigate the world of magic from the eyes of a young boy who may or may not need to see a psychiatrist. All original characters besides some mention of book characters.
1. Chapter 1: Antelopes

I hadn't even gotten to school yet, and somehow I was already in trouble. I was going to a new school, so I wasn't exactly sure about the rules yet, but apparently flying outside of the train window yelling "Josh!" is not allowed. Who knew? Despite the getting in trouble part, I was very excited about going to this new school. In all the schools I'd gone to before this, all we'd been taught was math and science and stupid things like that. I mean, what kind of school doesn't teach unicorn riding? Not a very good one in my opinion. I didn't know if this school taught unicorn riding, but at least it had an interesting name. Hogwarts. I really liked the sound of that. Currently I was sitting in a compartment with three other people. I had been forced to sit down in an actual seat after the whole flying outside of train thing. I looked around at my three companions and decided the proper thing to do would be to introduce myself.

"Hey um I'm Achillies and it's my first year here so obviously I'm 11. Anyways who're you and what year are you in. I mean, there is more than one year right?" I said, grinning.

"I'm Roxie." The girl said. "This is also my first year."

"And I'm Daa'nich." The boy next to Roxie said.

I wrinkled my nose. "What kind of name is that? It sounds like a girl's name."

"That was rude." The last boy said.

"Oh, really? I mean girls names are cool I just wondered. I wasn't trying to be rude. I didn't think that was rude."

The boy laughed. "You're either incredibly stupid or lying. Because that was definitely rude."

I shrugged. "People have called me stupid before so maybe it's true. I don't really care. You don't need to be smart to be an antelope. Anyways, what's your name?" This was directed at the last boy, who still hadn't told us his name.

"It's Geoffrey." He said. "And why were you talking about antelopes?"

"Oh!" I said cheerily. "Well, the thing is, I'm an antelope. Well I'm at least part antelope or something. Antelopes have hands, I have hands. Antelopes are very majestic creatures and so am I. Also; we both eat leaves so it's perfect. Everyone tells me I couldn't possibly be an antelope but I think they're all lying to me. Leave it to grownups to ruin everything."

I frowned in annoyance. Roxie, Daa'nich and Geoffrey all looked just the slightest bit confused. However, they didn't say anything, so I returned to looking out the window wistfully. Geoffrey edged just the slightest bit away from me. I spent the rest of the train ride wishing to be outside flying, except for the fifteen minutes at the end of the ride when I tried to change into my robes and knocked over luggage belonging to ten different students. Finally the train stopped. All of the people in their first year filed out of the train on to the platform. I stood next to Roxie. Geoffrey and Daa'nich weren't there, presumably because they weren't in the first year. The only thing I remember about getting to the castle is boats. I was slightly distracted because I was wondering if carrots could turn into potatoes under the right circumstances. I only stopped thinking about this interesting conundrum when I heard my name called.

"Yes?" I asked.

The man standing at the top of the stairs motioned me to come over. "You somehow managed to break the rules before even arriving at school. However, we will let it slide as you didn't know the rules. Any further transgressions will result in punishment. Any questions?"

"Actually, yes." I said. "What does transgression mean?"

"Basically, if you break the rules you will get in trouble."

I looked up at the ceiling, exasperated. "Well, why didn't you just say that?"

He ignored me, and said, "Welcome to Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry…"

I tuned him out at that point, assuming he was going to talk about boring grownup things. The only other information I caught from his speech was that he was Professor Sylvan and apparently he taught something called Defense Against the Dark Arts. That part at least sounded exciting. Then he opened the door into a huge hall. The coolest part about it was probably the floor. It was a very nice floor, and looked top quality of whatever material it was made out of. I couldn't really tell at the moment, but I would be sure to come back and observe it more closely. I watched as kids went up to the front of the hall and had a hat with a mouth placed on their heads. It called out some strange words like "Hufflepuff" and "Slatherin", at least I think that's what it said;it was kind of hard to tell given the loudness of the hall. I figured out these words were actually "house" names from Roxie who was still next to me. However, I didn't see any houses so that didn't exactly make any sense. I asked the kid on the other side of me what was going on. He brought me up to speed with a really long and complex explanation I didn't want to hear. By that time Roxie had been sorted into Gryffindor and it was my turn. The hat deliberated a long time with me but then finally yelled, "Gryffindor!" I went over and sat next to Roxie. And then my favorite part of the whole entire day happened. The tables filled with food. And that's really all that is worth mentioning about my first day at Hogwarts. Aside from the fact I got lost on my way to the common room, everything went smoothly. That was only a little snag anyhow. I finally went to sleep; feeling very excited about having a new day of adventures and cool classes when I woke up the next day.


	2. Chapter 2: Dragons are Dangerous?

**A.N: I haven't done multi-chapter fanfics before, so there may need to be a few kinks to work out. Also, I'm really bad at updating in a timely manner but I'll try. Reviews are really appreciated so I can improve my writing, and enjoy! **

The next day was Tuesday. I always rather liked Tuesdays because things that start with T are obviously the coolest thing in the universe. I woke up at five o'clock in the morning because the last time I'd gone flying people had not been very happy so I decided it would be a good idea to fly around when people weren't awake. I flew up to the top of the tallest tower to examine the view. It was actually quite amazing. I've seen many views before; some of them better than others, but this was definitely one of the best. I stayed up there for a pretty long time, until I heard someone yell, "Hey, there's a boy up there!" Oops.

A woman started screaming at me. "You there! Get down here right now!"

I rolled my eyes. People were so annoying. It's not like I was doing anything dangerous. I dived off the tower, getting several screams from the growing crowd of onlookers. Of course I started leveling off almost immediately, and as I got closer to the ground I did a couple loop-de-loops, unable to keep from showing off. Then I crashed into the ground, rolled about three feet and stood up, covered in dirt, grinning.

"I meant to do that." I said. Landings had never been my strong point. The woman grabbed my arm, pulling me away and muttering something like, "Completely irresponsible! Never have I seen anything-! How could someone!" She seemed to have some strange speech impediment that didn't allow her to finish her sentences, but I didn't mention it, because that would have been rude.

"Where are you taking me?" I asked.

"To the headmasters' office." She said, with barely concealed anger.

"Why?" I asked.

"Oh, you know why." She said.

"Actually I don't. Otherwise I wouldn't have asked." I said, slightly confused.

"Don't you take that tone with me, young man!"

"I'm not taking any sort of tone. I just asked a question!"

"You know what you did wrong. How could you not?"

"I'm telling you, I don't. I literally do not know what I did wrong."

"For heaven's sake, you were on the top of the tower!"

"Wait, that isn't allowed? Well that's a stupid rule! Climbing on towers is fun. I think you should change that rule!" I crossed my arms and pouted.

She sighed audibly and said, "I don't know why I bother."

I wasn't sure whether she was talking to me or an invisible ghost, but I decided since she didn't seem to be waiting for a reply, it was probably an invisible ghost. She had let go of my arm by now and I was following behind her as she led me to the headmasters' office. It seemed to be a long way away, which was really annoying because I hate walking but now didn't really seem the time to try and fly because I think the people at this school really had a thing against flying or something. Finally we made it to a staircase with some gargoyles where the woman stopped. I still didn't know her name, but there'd never really been a time to ask. I noticed a dark spot on the wall and decided to go over and investigate. It was shaped strangely like a porpoise. Not a dolphin. Porpoises and dolphins have very distinctive and different looks and this spot was definitely porpoise shaped. However I didn't have time to observe it more closely because the woman called me back over in a very annoyed voice.

"You don't have to yell." I muttered.

"You weren't listening! If you don't want me to yell you should pay attention when I talk to you." She glared at me.

"I was busy!" I threw my hands up indignantly.

She rolled her eyes and said, "Follow me." I followed her up the steps to a door, which she knocked on.

"Come in!"

The first thing I saw was a young man sitting at the desk with his feet up. The woman glared at him and he put them down sheepishly.

"_You're _the headmaster?" I asked in disbelief. He nodded. "Oh…I thought you'd be older. And fatter. And have more of a beard." I shrugged. "We can't always have what we want though so it's cool."

He laughed. The woman glared at me and then him. He laughed again. "It's quite all right, Verity. Most people have that reaction when they meet me. In fact, I remember you expressing a similar opinion when we first met."

She blushed, but all she said was, "Professor Mallow, not Verity."

"Fine. Professor Mallow, why are you here?"

"He was climbing on one of the towers! And then, to make matters worse, he flew off, nearly killing himself crashing into the ground."

I rolled my eyes. "Excuse me; let's get a few things straight. I did not 'nearly kill myself', I simply had a few difficulties with my landing. Besides, I've been flying since I was three, and I was in no danger at all. Actually, that was one of my better landings." I crossed my arms and huffed angrily. The headmaster laughed, throwing his head back.

"Sir, I don't think this is a laughing matter!" Professor Mallow said. She really had something against flying. Probably a traumatic childhood event. The headmaster turned to me.

"So you like flying?"

I nodded.

"Have you ever heard of Quidditch?"

"Oh yeah, of course I have. The silly game with brooms and such? Yeah I think it's kinda stupid. I would never play anything like that."

"Oh. Well. Never mind then." He said.

"Can I go then? I'm probably missing all my classes and it's only my first day so I wanted to see what all the classes are like but now I can't." I glared at Professor Mallow.

"It's only 6. None of the classes have started yet." She said with a sniff.

"Oh. That's really awkward. Just pretend I didn't say any of that."

The headmaster looked at me. "Yes, you can go. Just try not to climb up anymore towers."

"Okay!" I said, going back down the stairs to find Roxie; the only one of the people I'd met on the train to be in the same house as me. It was good that the headmaster had only told me not to climb towers, because that I could promise not to do. Of course, I was still going to fly up towers because he hadn't said anything about that. I found Roxie in the Gryffindor common room.

"Hey." I said,

She looked up at me. "Oh, Hey."

"So what's your first class?"

"I have Care of Magical Creatures."

"Cool…um…I think I may have lost my schedule."

She rolled her eyes. "I have it. John asked me to keep it for you because you left it in the fireplace. Luckily the fire hadn't been started yet, but I think I should keep it from now on so you don't destroy it."

After a long pause I asked, "Who's John?"

"One of the prefects."

Another long pause followed as I tried to figure things out. "So…_you_ have my schedule, so that means you know what my first class is."

"Yeah, it's the same as mine. And we've got to go right now if we don't want to be late." She stood up and I followed her out of the common room. We walked for a pretty long time without saying anything, which was rather boring. So, of course, I had to start a conversation.

"Have you ever seen an invisible squirrel?" I asked.

Roxie stared at me with a very puzzled expression on her face. "Isn't the point of invisible things that you aren't supposed to see them?"

"Well, yeah, but some people can see invisible things. I mean, at least I can."

"Are you sure?"

"Well, my dad said they were hallucinations, and my teacher said they were hallucinations, and my doctor said they were hallucinations, but they never saw what I saw so how would they know if they were hallucinations or not?"

Roxie sighed. "Let's talk about something else."

"Like tortucks!" I said happily.

"What's a tortuck?" she asked, wrinkling her nose.

"It's a cross between a duck and a tortoise!" I said excitedly. "See, they have duck bills and wings and two duck feet, but then they also have shells and two tortoise feet and a tortoise tail. They're basically the most amazing thing in the universe, because they can fly but also they can hide in their shells and they can peck people so they're pretty great. But also unfortunately they are invisible and so nobody believes they are real which is very sad because they can never see how amazing tortucks are." I stopped, breathing heavily.

"We're here." Roxie said, pulling open the door to a classroom.

"Oh, really? That went fast." I said. We slid into seats at the back of the classroom. A woman stood at the front of the room. "Welcome class, to Care of Magical Creatures." She made a whole speech about the class, but I wasn't paying attention because I was thinking about my pet tortuck Josh. Hopefully my brother was taking good care of him. Finally I heard the teacher say, "Any questions?" I raised my hand. "Yes, Mr…"

"I'm Achillies. And I was wondering if we would get to see any magical animals and like pet them and stuff."

"We may observe some animals that are not dangerous, such as flobberworms."

I raised my hand again.

"Yes, Achillies?" She said.

"What about dragons?" I asked

"What did I just say?"

"That we would observe not dangerous animals, I know. I'm not deaf. But dragons aren't dangerous. They're cute."

"Dragons are some of the most dangerous creatures in the magical world. First years would most definitely not be allowed anywhere near dragons ever, and that is final."

"But dragons breathe fire, and fire is cool!"

"Achillies, this discussion is over."

"But I'm not done talking! It's very rude to cut someone off in the middle of a conversation."

"If you say one more word I'm going to give you a detention!"

"Why?" I asked.

"Okay that's it! Detention!"

"Hey, wait, I was just asking why I wasn't allowed to talk! I think you're really mean!"

"Do you want me to send you to the headmaster's office?"

"I wouldn't mind that actually. He was cooler than you last time I met him!"

"Then go!" She pointed to the door.

"Fine!" I stomped out of the classroom. Well. That was awkward. My first class of the day and I was already going to see the headmaster-for the second time. Then again, no one would know if I didn't actually go to the headmaster's office, so I might as well go exploring. Of course, the logical place to go was the Forbidden Forest. Hopefully there was something actually cool in there and it wasn't just forbidden because of really dangerous extremely deadly monsters. That kind of thing is so boring.


	3. Chapter 3: What is Going On?

**AN: Uh, so I don't think anyone is even reading this, but just in case, 1. Sorry I never update, I am really bad at that, and 2. I literally don't edit because I'm very lazy and don't have anyone to help edit so keep that in mind. Also, nothing belongs to me except the characters I've made up. Thanks for reading and please review!**

It took me a while to actually get to the Forbidden Forest because I had to make sure that no one would see me. But finally I was standing at the edge of the large green mass. It looked really cool. I've always liked the color green but this was a really nice color green. It was so dark it could have been black but it just had that little hint of color so I knew it was green. I admired the amazing greenness for a bit, and then, at last, I ventured into the forest. It got progressively darker as I took more and more steps, but that didn't bother me. I mean, pitch black is such a nice color. Finally, as I peered through the trees I saw this really cool thing. It looked kind of like a horse but then it also kind of looked like a human. Obviously it was very confusing. I mean, it would be confusing to someone else. I, of course, knew immediately that this thing was a centaur. Or maybe it was a satyr. Oh wait, satyrs are half goat not half horse. Never mind, it was a centaur. He was glancing around, like he was looking for something. I decided to keep hiding because I'd heard that centaurs could be temperamental at times, and while I didn't exactly know what temperamental meant, it didn't sound like anything good. Then I saw another person step out of the trees. I recognized the man immediately, mostly because he had been really annoying when I'd last seen him. He was the man who'd met all the first years before we'd gone into the big hall with the food. I didn't actually know his name because to be honest, I didn't really care. I looked away for a little bit because I thought I saw a tortuck, and tortucks are infinitely more important than secret meetings in the woods. By the time I looked up again, there were many more people standing there.

"I have put up wards, so there is no danger of anyone listening in." One of them said

I guess they hadn't counted on me. I must've been inside these so-called wards before they'd been cast, or whatever the word is for that sort of thing. I was slightly suspicious by now of this strange gathering, as they were gathered in a circle. Everyone knows that the only people who would ever gather in a circle have to be evil. Otherwise, they would align themselves in a small square or slightly squished oval. Those are the only acceptable gathering shapes. My fears were confirmed by what I next heard them discuss.

"Now that we can consult with our inside man, I think our plans will finally be able to advance." The man speaking turned to the man I knew.

"So, I have reviewed the defenses that are in our way, and I'm happy to say that I don't think they will be much of a problem." He started. "The headmaster is relatively new, and he hasn't had time to coordinate the system by which warnings are distributed. If I take out one of the relaying towers before I let you in, we should be able to proceed unhindered."

My first thought, of course, was that this meeting looked like it was going to go for a long while and they had no refreshments. Then I thought that their speech sounded slightly sinister, mostly because they used annoying words like consult and coordinate. Anyone who talked that pretentiously couldn't be anything but evil. I decided to stay where I was and see if I could pick up any more information. The first man began to talk again.

"Once inside, we must gather the students without alerting the teachers. Or at least, without alerting too many of them." So they wanted to take the students somewhere. Well, I, for one, wasn't going to go anywhere with these pretentious circle gatherers. The mere thought made me shudder.

"Once we have all the students, we will lead them outside and take them away with us to our training facility. Then, we will train them to become our evil army, and then we will take over the world." Well. These people were quite strange, I would have to say. Their plan was really stupid for one. Why did they even need to get kids from the castle? I mean, couldn't they just take over the world themselves? Also, how were they going to get the kids to come with them, and, more importantly, become part of their evil army? All in all, it really didn't make any sense. I decided I should probably tell someone about this, because no one should be allowed to execute such a horribly created plan. That would be disastrous. I looked up just in time to see them start to disappear as the one who was probably the leader said, "Kill everyone who resists." Then they were gone. I was glad I'd come into the Forbidden Forest instead of going to the headmaster's office, because this had definitely been more exciting. Now, I just had to decide who I should tell about the pretentious circle gatherers poorly thought out plan. Obviously, I should not go to the headmaster, because headmasters are always really busy, and he probably didn't care about evil plans anyway. The only person I actually kind of knew here was Roxie, so I decided to tell her. The only problem there was that I didn't know where she was. I'd last seen her in Care of Magical Creatures, but I'd been in the forest for a while, so I didn't think she'd be there anymore. I didn't know what her next class was though, so I decided it would be a good idea to search the whole school.

I was on the second floor-at least; I thought it was the second floor-when I ran into Professor Mallow. "Achillies, what are you doing out of class?"

"Uh…I'm looking for Roxie because she has my schedule and I kind of need it because I never actually looked at it so I don't know what classes I have so I don't know what class I'm supposed to be in right now so uh yeah that's why I'm not in class."

She looked at me with narrowed eyes and then asked, "Have you been in the forest?"

"Uh…no?" I said.

"You don't sound very sure of that."

"Well, I may have gone very near to it, but actually in it, I don't think so. I mean, unless I had some major lapse of memory or something, then no. Nope, no forests were gone into by me."

I smiled in a way I hoped was innocent, but then there was a voice behind me.

"You are such a liar. There are twigs stuck everywhere in your hair."

I turned and saw the kid from the train, Geoffrey, walking towards me.

"Way to ruin it!" I said, shoving him when he got close enough.

"Hey!" he said, and shoved me back. I hit his shoulder lightly, but he hit me harder back, so I hit him harder back, and soon we were rolling around on the ground, punching and kicking each other.

"Enough!" Professor Mallow yelled.

We both stopped, awkwardly, on the ground.

"Detention for both of you after classes! Come, follow me!" She said, grabbing both of us by the arms and starting to walk.

"I'm not following you if you're dragging me next to you, seriously, come on!" I said angrily.

"Shut up!" Geoffrey said

"Don't you two start again!" Professor Mallow snapped, jerking us both farther away from each other. "I'm taking you both to your classes, and I expect you to behave from now until your detentions."

We both nodded. I, of course, would never dream of disobeying her orders. I would behave until the detention. After that, I had free reign. Ah, I loved loopholes.


End file.
